top of page

Reflection: Understanding The Cycle and Breaking it!



I wanted to start a blog so people can get to know Vannessa, not Salty, not Vee but Vannessa. I will touch on sensitive topics, so please take into consideration before reading.


Thank you in advance for taking the time out to get to know me on a deeper level.






____________________________________________


Looking back over the course of my life. The main difference I see in myself is my way of thinking and viewing life.

I often say “When we are brought into this world we don’t get the choose the life we have but we have the power to change the life we will continue to have”. The way our parents raise us, the way they think, view the world and often the unconscious limiting beliefs they have we accept them as our own. So how can we change our future ? How can we break this cycle?


What we expose ourselves to daily is key, but what happens when we are so deep in our own self doubt because our parents only exposed us to so much and all the grand things we would like to have isn’t possessed by people like “me” or they got it by “luck”. We’re in so deep to our self limitations that when someone walks up to us showing us THIS CAN BE YOU TOO. We laugh it off , say yea right, what’s the catch, there is no way , that’s too hard, or that takes too much work....


My mother told me, Vannessa you are so pretty you’ll get the office job and not have to weekends. By her telling me this constantly growing up she instilled in me that once I have that office job and not have to work weekends I would’ve made it. My mother wanted nothing but the best for me and I understand why she felt that way, I really don’t blame her. My mother wasn’t from this country however in Belize my family lives very comfortable. Coming to America she had to grind , sleepless nights , back to back shifts . She was taking care of people , not in an office , no weekends off. I get it, she wanted me to live better than she did. An office job not working weekends was it. I appreciate her believing I deserved better she was right I do.


My mother having to work back to back shifts resulted in her having to be gone for days at a time. Looking back I don’t know how she did it. I wish I had her drive. She was dealing with my father who is a drug addict and was very unreliable and maybe because of that it pushed her to keep going because if she didn’t do it her 4 kids had no one they could rely on it was really all her. She made it happen, and I looked up to her “by any means necessary mindset”. Because she did this I believed I had to sacrifice time with my children in order to be a good parent. I would work 2 jobs pick up extra shifts, even tho I had the office job and had weekends off. I still saw and duplicated what my mother did. Also the lack of a consistent parent presence in the home, resulted in me making poor decisions and becoming pregnant at only 16 years old.


As a mother,I missed a lot of football games and fell asleep often during movie nights. I never felt guilty about it, I don’t have the “mom guilt” a lot of moms talk about and that is because of the way I was raised. My kids rarely had to want for anything because, I had the by any means mentality. My children’s father is in their life VERY active. However, him and I have different views on life. He’s willing to go without in order to have more time with the boys. I was willing to sacrifice quality in order to provide. These conflicting views on things is what made our marriage turn south and eventually end. But that’s a topic for another time.


I read somewhere that life changing events pushes people to reflect and change. A life changing event can be losing a loved one , medical scare, becoming a parent, divorce etc.


Becoming a mother at 17 years, I don’t believed changed me. I mimicked what I saw my mother do. Instantly went into survival mode when I became a mother. I birthed kids into poverty and I made it my mission to just stay afloat.


My Divorce didn’t change me, I left because of our conflicts of our views on life and our future. Being with him since I was 16 , we grew apart and different things mattered to us.


Losing my mother, I’m already crying thinking about this. THIS CHANGED ME. She was 59 years old, she had a heart attack while commuting Between her day to night job. She pulled over called me, I missed the call and she left the voicemail “Vannessa imma die and you’re not answering your phone.” She felt she had a heart attack coming, she ended up calling 911 she had a heart attack in the ambulance. She was so focused on working and providing for my dad she had untreated walking pneumonia. When they laid her back in the ambulance she suffocated on the fluid in her lungs and died. December 2016, I lost the one person who had my back 100% of the time. The one person I looked up to so much. All of 2017 I went into a depression no one knew about. I worked even more and to make myself feel better I started taking my kids on more outings and when they were with their father I was drinking a lot. I was on this roller coaster for all of 2017, mainly because I was never given the opportunity to mourn my mother’s loss.


It wasn’t till I took kids on a trip to a kids resort in Februray 2018 and saw a photo of myself. I didn’t even recognize myself. The smile I had on was fake, I easily put on 20 pounds since my mother’s passing, and I still wasn’t mentally present. When we got back home I entertained the idea of making a change. I know I didn’t like who I saw. I was in a relationship that only made my drinking and depression worse. I know I wanted different but didn’t know how. I just knew if I didn’t get out of my slump of depression and stop duplicating my mother’s habits I would run myself to the grave.

A few more months passed, I decided for my mother, kids and most of all for myself I would break the cycle I was taught , rise out of my depression , and be a better mother and all around human being. June 2018 I started my health journey. I stopped drinking, stopped eating out , started doing personal development to combat my limiting beliefs and negative thoughts. My why was so clear to me , it made it easy to wake up everyday and become a better version of myself. I had bad days some bad weeks but I never stayed there.


Will you wait for a life changing event to happen to make your changes you need to make?


Will you experience your life changing event and stay in the slump of depression?


Will you decide NOW, not to wait for a super low point in your life to create the change you need that will alter your future forever?


Will you do anything ?


There is no right or wrong answer to this, essentially it’s your life, your future, your legacy.


I will say this though depending on your choice , it will decide how you wake up every morning and feel about yourself. I am here to tell you, regardless of your past or your present situation you can change your life and mindset. Don’t fall victim to the cycle you were born into, societies views on where you should be based off your social status.


Close your eyes and imagine the life you would like to have without restrictions.


xoxo

-Vannessa Haxton


107 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


bottom of page